MORNING STAR PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH
 "Charting a course for new life in Jesus Christ"

HOPEFUL MOURNING….I THESS. 4:13-18……PREACHED 11-6-94

LAST WEEK THE REV TALKED ABOUT LOSS AND HOW GOD MEETS US IN THOSE TIMES WHEN WE HAVE LOST SOMETHING OR SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO US. THE MESSAGE FOR THIS MORNING GOES THE NEXT STEP AS WE EXAMINE THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING AND MOURNING FOR THOSE LOSSES WE ALL EXPERIENCE AT SOME TIME IN OUR LIVES. GRIEVING IS A SEASON IN OUR LIVES THAT WE ENTER UNWILLINGLY BECAUSE IT IS ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL SEASONS WE CAN FIND OURSELVES IN. IT IS THEREFORE IMPORTANT TO KNOW AT THE OUTSET THAT THERE IS A RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE…A HEALTHY, GOD GIVEN WAY…THAT WILL HELP US MOVE THROUGH THESE UNWELCOME SEASONS TOWARD THE COMFORT, PEACE AND HEALING WE HUNGER FOR IN OUR TIMES OF SORROW. IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT GRIEVING HERE TODAY BECAUSE SOME OF YOU WHO ARE OF THE BABY BOOMER OR BUSTER GENERATIONS MAY NEVER HAVE EXPERIENCED THE LOSS OF SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU YET. BUT YOU ARE ENTERING THE AGE WHEN YOU ARE REALIZING THAT THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE ALL YOUR LIVES…LIKE PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS…ARE GROWING OLD AND THE END OF THEIR LIVES HERE ON EARTH IS DRAWING CLOSER.

EVEN TODAY, SOME 23 YEARS LATER, I REMEMBER VIVIDLY THE DAY. IT WAS A BRIGHT CLEAR JUNE DAY…FATHER’S DAY, SEEMS TO STICK IN MY MIND. I WAS IN THE CINCINNATI AREA ON BUSINESS, STAYING IN THE APARTMENT OF SOME FRIENDS WHO WERE ON VACATION. THE PHONE RANG AND THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END TOLD ME THAT MY DAD HAD DIED SUDDENLY FROM AN ANEURYSM THAT HAD BURST IN HIS HEAD…HE WAS 59 YEARS OLD. I REMEMBER THE PLANE TRIP BACK TO OREGON, THE FUNERAL AND THE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES WHO CAME TO SHARE STORIES AND THEIR GRIEF. I ALSO REMEMBER THE NUMBNESS AND DISBELIEF I FELT. I DIDN’T EVEN CRY….I COULDN’T SEEM TO FEEL ANYTHING…NOT EVEN AS I STOOD ALONE BY THE CASKET, PLACED MY HAND ON HIS, AND SAID GOOD-BYE FOR THE LAST TIME. A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER I WAS BACK IN CINCINNATI HARD AT WORK. SOME THREE YEARS LATER WHEN I WAS SITTING IN THE RESTAURANT OF A MOTEL IN McCALL, IDAHO, I WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY DAD, WHAT A SPECIAL GUY HE HAD BEEN, HOW MUCH LOVE HE HAD GIVEN TO MY BROTHER AND ME AND HOW MUCH I MISSED HIM, WHEN SUDDENLY I BEGAN TO WEEP UNCONTROLLABLY. ONLY THEN DID I BEGIN TO GRIEVE…TO GO THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS…AND IT IS A PROCESS, AS WE WILL SEE… A PROCESS THAT CANNOT BE SHORT-CIRCUITED OR IGNORED WITHOUT SERIOUS, EVEN DEADLY, CONSEQUENCES.

OBVIOUSLY THE WAY I HANDLED MY GRIEF OVER MY DAD’S DEATH ISN’T THE WAY TO HANDLE IT. IGNORING IT, STUFFING IT, DENYING IT, PUTTING IT OUT OF YOUR MIND OR KEEPING YOURSELF SO BUSY YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO FEEL IT, IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH GRIEVING. YOU MUST SLOW DOWN AND WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT. NOW NOTICE SOMETHING HERE…. I SAID SLOW DOWN AND DEAL WITH IT, NOT STOP….THERE IS A DANGER IN GETTING STUCK IN A PARTICULAR PHASE OF THE PROCESS. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME….I NEVER GOT OFF THE STARTING BLOCKS TOWARD WORKING ON MY GRIEF. I GOT STUCK IN THE FIRST PHASE OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS. AND I HAVE KNOWN OTHERS WHO HAVE GOTTEN STUCK IN OTHER PHASES. A BRITISH PSYCHIATRIST BY THE NAME OF MURRAY PARKS HAS MADE EXTENSIVE STUDIES OF THE GRIEF PROCESS. HE HAS DISCOVERED THAT UNRESOLVED GRIEF CAN BE THE CENTRAL MOTIVATING FORCE IN A NUMBER OF PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND BEHAVIORAL DISORDERS. FOR EXAMPLE, IN ONE STUDY, HE FOUND THAT THERE WAS A 63%INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF VISITS TO THE DOCTOR BY A GROUP OF WIDOWS IN THE FIRST 6 MONTHS FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF THEIR HUSBANDS. OF 41 PATIENTS WITH COLITIS, 33 HAD SUFFERED THE LOSS OF SOMEONE CLOSE PRIOR TO THE ONSET OF THE DISEASE. HE ALSO NOTED THAT OUT OF 4500 WIDOWERS, 213 DIED DURING THE FIRST 6 MONTHS OF BEREAVEMENT, 40% HIGHER THAN THE EXPECTED RATE FOR MARRIED MEN OF THE SAME AGE. THE LOSS OF A SPOUSE, THEREFORE, CAN INCREASE THE PROBABILITY OF ONE’S OWN DEATH.

DAVID MORIARTY IN HIS BOOK “LOSS OF LOVED ONES” SAYS THAT THE LOSS OF LOVED ONES THROUGH DEATH IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CAUSES OF MAJOR MENTAL ILLNESS…SOMETHING I CAN VERIFY THROUGH MY OWN WORK AS A CRISIS COUNSELOR WITH THE YUBA-SUTTER COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL OUT IN CALIFORNIA. AN ADULT WHO SUFFERED THE LOSS OF A PARENT OR SIBLING AS A CHILD IS 6 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE HOSPITALIZED FOR MENTAL ILLNESS AS COMPARED TO A NONGRIEVING POPULATION.

OTHER PROBLEMS RELATED TO UNRESOLVED GRIEF HAVE BEEN NOTED IN FAMILY DISORDERS AND EVEN SUICIDE.

WHAT THIS SAYS IS THAT THERE IS A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF EXTREME HUMAN SUFFERING THAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF INAPPROPRIATELY HANDLED OR UNRESOLVED GRIEF.

NOW, I MENTIONED THE PHASES OF THE GRIEF PROCESS EARLIER. THERE ARE FOUR BROADLY IDENTIFIABLE PHASES IN THE PROCESS AND EACH ONE HAS CERTAIN CHARACTERISTICS AND A TYPICAL DURATION WHEN THE PROCESS IS A NORMAL ONE. GRIEF IS ALSO NOT A SET OF SYMPTOMS WHICH START AFTER A LOSS AND GRADUALLY FADE AWAY. IT INVOLVES A SUCCESSION OF PICTURES OR STATES OF BEING WHICH BLEND INTO AND REPLACES ONE ANOTHER. AND THERE ARE DIFFERENCES FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER IN REGARD TO DURATION AND THE FORM OF EACH PHASE. THERE DOES SEEM TO BE, HOWEVER, A COMMON PATTERN WHO’S FEATURES CAN BE SEEN IN NEARLY EVERY ONE WHO GRIEVES.

LET’S LOOK AGAIN AT MURRAY PARKES WORK. IN HIS EXTENSIVE RESEARCH HE IDENTIFIED THE FIRST PHASE AS ONE OF NUMBNESS AND DENIAL THAT LASTED FROM A DAY TO MORE THAN A MONTH. THE MAJORITY OF FOLKS SAID THEY HAD TROUBLE ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT THEIR SPOUSE WAS REALLY DEAD….AND IN SOME CASES DENIAL OF SOME SORT LASTED EVEN AFTER A YEARS PERIOD OF TIME.

THE SECOND PHASE IS THAT OF YEARNING. IT IS A PHASE CHARACTERIZED BY A SENSE OF INTENSE LONGING AND PREOCCUPATION WITH THOUGHTS OF THE DEAD PERSON. MANY FOLKS CLAIMED TO HAVE HEARD OR SEEN THE DEAD PERSON OR TO HAVE FELT THEIR PRESENCE DURING THE FIRST MONTH AFTER THE DEATH. A GREAT DEAL OF ATTENTION WAS DIRECTED TOWARD PLACES AND OBJECTS ASSOCIATED WITH THE ONE WHO DIED. PANIC ATTACKS WERE COMMON ALONG WITH GUILT, IRRITABILITY AND WITHDRAWAL FROM SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS. SOME FOLKS EVEN TENDED TO START BEHAVING OR THINKING LIKE THE ONE WHO DIED AND MANY HAD DREAMS ABOUT THEM. THIS PHASE USUALLY LASTS SEVERAL WEEKS AND IS FOLLOWED BY ONE CHARACTERIZED BY DISORGANIZATION AND DESPAIR. APATHY AND AIMLESSNESS BEGIN TO TAKE OVER AND THE GENERAL FEELING IS THAT THERE IS NO FUTURE….AND IF THERE IS A FUTURE, IT IS BOUND TO BE UNPLEASANT.

AND THEN THE FINAL PHASE IS ONE WHERE THE GRIEVING ONE BEGINS TO REORGANIZE THEIR BEHAVIOR. THE SYMPTOMS BEGIN TO DIMINISH A LITTLE AND THE FUTURE BEGINS TO OPEN GRADUALLY. A SENSE THAT LIFE MIGHT TASTE GOOD AGAIN BEGINS TO COME. HOWEVER, THE PROGRESS IS SLOW AND LONELINESS IS OFTEN STILL A MAJOR PROBLEM.  EVEN AFTER 13 MONTHS, THE PROCESS OF GRIEF IS STILL GOING ON, AND ALTHOUGH PAST ITS PEAK, THE PROCESS MAY STILL NOT BE FINISHED.  ANOTHER FEATURE IS THAT THOSE WHO EXPRESS FULLY THEIR GRIEF AT THE OUTSET OF BEREAVEMENT CAN BE COUNTED ON TO HAVE REDUCED SYMPTOMS OF DISTURBANCE LATER, WHILE COVERING UP THE INITIAL AFFECT LEADS TO GREATER SEVERITY OF THOSE FEELINGS WHEN THEY DO FINALLY EMERGE.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO GRIEVE…TO ALLOW THE FULL EXPRESSION OF GRIEF IN ALL ITS MANIFESTATIONS…IT IS A PROCESS THAT MUST RUN ITS COURSE. GOD EXPECTS CHRISTIANS TO GRIEVE. AFTER ALL, EVEN JESUS WEPT WHEN HIS FRIEND LAZARUS DIED. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT IT IS A PROCESS THAT CAN BE HELPED ALONG BY GOD AND BY SOMEONE WHO CARES.

IF WE FOLLOW JESUS CHRIST, WE HAVE A DISTINCT EDGE ON DEALING WITH OUR GRIEF BECAUSE, LIKE THE APOSTLE PAUL SAYS, WE DO NOT GRIEVE, AS OTHERS DO WHO HAVE NO HOPE! OUR CERTAIN COMMON HOPE IN THE PROMISES OF CHRIST CAN GIVE US GREAT COMFORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT AS WE WILL SEE IN A MOMENT.

THE FIRST PLACE TO START IN PREPARING YOURSELF TO HANDLE GRIEF IS IN BECOMING A PART OF A CARING, SUPPORTIVE, SAFE COMMUNITY IN WHICH WE CAN PROCESS OUR GRIEF.  THAT IS ONE OF THE THINGS WE, AS A CHURCH, OFFER TO ONE ANOTHER. AS CHRISTIANS WE LIVE WITH THE IDEAL OF CHRIST TO GUIDE US AS WE STRIVE IN LOVE TO HELP EACH OTHER BEAR THE BURDENS OF LIFE…AND GRIEF IS JUST ONE OF THOSE BURDENS. AND WHEN THE BURDEN BECOMES TOO HEAVY, WE WHO ARE STRONG ARE ENCOURAGED TO TAKE IT FROM THE ONE WHO IS HURTING AND CARRY IT UNTIL THE WEAK ONE IS STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY IT FOR THEMSELVES. THAT IS THE MODEL GIVEN US BY OUR LORD AS HE MOVED ALONGSIDE THE HURTING AND THE DYING DURING HIS TIME HERE ON EARTH. AND AS HIS HANDS AND FEET IN OUR WORLD TODAY, HE EQUIPS US THROUGH THE GIFTS OF HIS SPIRIT TO CONTINUE THAT MINISTRY TO EACH OTHER. AND WE CAN DO THIS BECAUSE OF OUR COMMON HOPE IN HIM.

I RAN ACROSS A STORY ABOUT A LITTLE KID WHO HAD BEEN PROMISED A PUPPY FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. AT THE PET SHOP HE SPENT TIME WITH EVERY PUP IN THE STORE BEFORE HE FINALLY SETTLED ON A LITTLE SHAGGY NONDESCRIPT MUTT THAT WAS WAGGING HIS TAIL FURIOUSLY. WHEN ASKED WHY HE CHOSE THAT PARTICULAR PUP, HE SAID, “I WANT THE ONE THAT HAS THE HAPPY ENDING.”

IN OUR PASSAGE FROM THE BIBLE FOR THIS MORNING, PAUL SAYS THAT OUR BELIEF IN THE PROMISES OF GOD IN JESUS CHRIST CAN GUARANTEE US TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING…. HAVING CHRIST IN OUR LIFE CAN HELP US GRIEVE BETTER THAN THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE HIM. YOU SEE, BY BELIEVING WE ARE GIVEN HOPE…NOT THE KIND OF HOPE WE MEAN WHEN WE SAY WE HOPE THE SUN SHINES TOMORROW OR WE HOPE WE WIN THE LOTTERY…BUT THE KIND OF HOPE THAT IS A CERTAIN FAITH THAT SOMETHING IS ROCK-SOLID GOING TO HAPPEN.

PAUL SAYS THAT WHEN SOMEONE DIES WHO IS A DISCIPLE OF JESUS THAT WE CAN TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN THEIR BELIEF AS WELL AS OUR OWN THAT JESUS DIED AND ROSE AGAIN. THIS IS BECAUSE AT THE TIME JESUS COMES AGAIN TO CLAIM HIS KINGDOM IN ALL OF ITS FULLNESS; HE WILL BRING WITH HIM ALL THOSE WHO HAVE DIED BELIEVING IN HIS PROMISES. AND WE WHO ARE HIS FOLLOWERS AT THAT MOMENT WILL BE SUMMONED TO JOIN ALL THOSE WHO HAVE GONE BEFORE US. AS CHRISTIANS, THEN, WE CAN TAKE HEART IN THE INDISPUTABLE FACT THAT WE ARE SEPARATED ONLY FOR A TIME FROM THE ONES FOR WHOM WE GRIEVE.

MY FRIENDS, HEAR THIS IN THIS MOMENT, BECAUSE, AS PAUL SAYS, IT IS THE WORD OF THE LORD OUR GOD AND SAVIOR, WE HAVE NO NEED TO GRIEVE AS THOSE WHO HAVE NO HOPE. OUR HOPE IS CERTAIN IF WE HAVE CHRIST AT THE CENTER OF OUR LIFE. THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS FOR TODAY!